The following is an excerpt from This Little Piggy Went to the Liquor Store
Virgil came to visit us when we first moved to Boise. While sitting around a bonfire in our backyard in the evening, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes, Virgil began telling stories. I don’t think even Virgil knows what percentage of his stories are fact versus bullshit, but they are always entertaining.
“And so there I am and I’m drunk and I’m in this jail cell and no one will come and get me so I have to spend the night there. And it’s so fucking cold and I’m so fucking scared that this four hundred pound Samoan dude is going to try to touch my butthole. And I’m on this steel cot and I swear my fucking balls are freezing, like really freezing and I’m afraid they’re going to be permanently damaged, so I’m cradling them with my hands, because, at this point, I’m thinking this is going to kill all my sperm and I’ll never be able to have kids. So I’m cradling my balls, massaging my balls, but I’m afraid this Samoan dude is going to think that’s an invitation, like I’m asking him to come fuck me in the ass, which is scaring the shit out of me. And then I think, well maybe if I take a shit in the honey bucket, this guy won’t want to come near my butthole.”
We were mortified, because we knew that our Mormon neighbors, who earlier that day brought us a snack of graham crackers pasted with frosting and sprinkles, couldn’t help but hear. But you can’t shut Virgil up. So you listen, laugh, and apologize later.
“Virgil, keep it down a bit,” I chided. “You’re going to get us in trouble with the neighbors.”
“Oh, sorry,” he looked sheepish for a moment, his voice dropping to a whisper, but he wanted an audience. Pissing off the neighbors would be a bonus. He proved my suspicions by launching into a new topic.
“Porn is great, but I fucking love granny porn. Seriously, I know it’s fucked up, but that shit gets me off. Granny porn is the best.”
“Granny porn?” I asked, unable to keep from taking the bait.
“You’re making this up.”
“Nooooo! Granny porn rocks!” He outlined the wonders of granny porn for us, and I realized that I should have just let him continue on about his freezing balls and the obese Samoan cellmate.
Shaka-kahn. Shaka-kahn, your mom.
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