An Open Letter to DB

Dear DB,

Please don’t think that by referring to you as DB, I’m calling you a douchebag. That’s not the case at all. I just thought you would want your identity protected, and what a happy coincidence it is that your initials are, in fact, DB.

When I saw a Facebook message from you, I wondered how we know each other. I clicked on your profile to find that we have no mutual friends and no geographical connection. Normally I don’t accept friend requests from such people, but I think at the time I thought you looked like a nice older lady who wasn’t trying to engage me in some sort of online sex cult. I figured you were a fan who sent a friend request to my personal page, which happens from time to time, so I accepted. A closer look at your personal page would reveal that you are a fan of the Raiders, Bruno Mars, Nascar, and Bingo. And by the way, your post asking God to teach the parents of mentally ill and disabled children to be patient and show them how to love their kids was more than a little offensive. So many red flags. Such colorblindness on my part.

 And then I read your message…





And I still thought you were a fan and just confused about my husband’s name. Mike, Steve. It’s easy to confuse those monosyllabic common male names. Though let’s be honest, Mike is a much better name than Steve. Unless your last name is Buscemi or Zahn. So I tried to delicately correct you with my response…



And that’s the point where you started to get creepy…



But still I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe this was an inside joke I’d forgotten. Had I written about a character named Steve to whom you were referring? See how my ego still wants to turn you into a fan and not just a random looney? I came up with nothing and decided to just come clean with my confusion.

So you elevated your creepy factor with this...



Here's the thing, DB. I've only been married once and my husband's name is Mike. We had exactly four guests at our wedding and you were not one of them. I'm not sure which Amanda Turner's wedding you stood up at, and possibly made an ass of yourself, which is why you're trying to search her out now and reconnect and, I have to add, failing at miserably, but it's not this Amanda Turner. But what did you do when I told you that you had the wrong Amanda? You just got creepier...



"No I dont but thats ok"?? Are you kidding me? Not only have you gone from creepy to condescending, but you also can't bring yourself to use one tiny bit of punctuation? I've been known to slack on punctuation here and there. I realize I failed to capitalize "Mike", but your blatant disregard for our language is unforgivable. For this and many, many other reasons, I have unfriended you. I'm setting you free to go find the real Amanda Turner. But be prepared, DB. If she knows you as I now do, and I think she does, she might not accept.

Good luck with Bingo,

Amanda
(but not the one you're looking for)

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You can also email me at amanda@akturner.com.

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