Dear Little Boy, Stop Farting with Your Mouth

Some days I like to get my failure out of the way early. It feels good to really suck at something in those morning hours and know that I have a chance (albeit slim) of finding some measure of success later in the afternoon.

This morning I sucked at dropping my kids off at school. It started with trying to park in a space too small. I felt like this:

Only with all of the other moms watching. But whatever.

When I finally allowed my children to exit the vehicle, we headed to the playground just as a bus released a gaggle of children heading in the same direction. Two boys ran from the bus and an adult with some level of authority, evidenced by a safety vest and a plastic badge, yelled at the boys to walk. They ignored her. She ordered them to return to the bus. They ignored her.

The older one obviously called the shots in this duo. He was probably eight or nine years old. And I kind of wanted to tackle him and pin his insolent little face to the ground. I settled for a glare over my shoulder.

They walked behind us and the older one began making farting noises with his mouth. Why the fuck do little boys (and sometimes girls) feel the need to constantly make farting noises with their mouths? If you're making a farting noise with your ass, I'll cut you a little more slack, because sometimes that is a necessary function of the body. Do they need to fill the silence? And if so, what ever happened to good old-fashioned humming? When they are home, do the parents allow the constant sound of mouth-farting in the living room? At the dinner table?

I glared at the boy again. He glared back. "That's gross," I said. He mouth-farted louder. "Stop, girls," I commanded. "Let's wait for these boys to pass us because they're awfully rude."

And I could tell that I was getting out of control and should probably be escorted from school grounds. This isn't the first time this has happened. I often see kids behaving like, well, kids, and I walk up to them and say, "Not cool" or "Wow, you really think it's okay to behave like that?"

The boys walked ahead, the farting noises continued. Then they reached their destination and stopped. As we passed by, I glared harder. And the older boy looked surprised. So he sneered at me. His eyes narrowed and one side of his mouth curled up, as if to say, "What the fuck is your problem?" And I sneered back, in an uglier, nastier sneer than the one he gave me. Only by this point, there was a group of moms in between us, and I think they maybe thought I was sneering at them. I wanted to yell, "No, it's not for you! I'm making faces at that rude little boy!" But, would that have been any better?

And have I learned nothing from the internet? Cameras are everywhere! I don't want to pop up in a viral video as the asshole mom who appears to bully a little boy at elementary school. There are a million ways I could have better handled the situation.

For someone who tells her children to walk away from kids with bad behavior, to rise above and not let it bother them, I was one hell of a shitty ass example this morning.

Tomorrow will bring new successes and failures. Hopefully more of the former. But whatever failures may occur, I'm determined that they will not occur on school grounds.

Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, and Goodreads.

Subscribe to my mailing list

* indicates required

You can also email me at


  1. Why do kids make farting noises with their mouths? Because they're kids and it's funny. Or at least they THINK it's funny. My 8 yo is currently going through the fart noise phase. He's got this little rubber duck on a lanyard that he got at school and he squeezes it to make fart sounds. Very realistic ones. It's annoying as hell, but unfortunately it's one of those kid things, like talking about poop at the dinner table. (If you have boys, that is!) ;)

    1. My girls were given fart putty for Christmas. I actually think it's hilarious. But I also enjoy the fact that I can take it away when I feel we've reached fart capacity.

  2. Fart putty? Oy, what next? Shh...can't let my boys find out. ;)