I think it’s time we had a talk. I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to go on pretending. I can’t keep pretending that I’m in love with you, and you can’t keep pretending to be bacon.
I know this is going to sound harsh and that was never my intention, but you need to hear it. The way you try to mimic the shape of a real strip, the shading you use to emulate the contrast between meat and fat, well, it’s pathetic. You’re not fooling anyone.
You could say that I’m just judging you on appearances alone, but it’s more than that. We both know that your performance at breakfast the other morning was disappointing. When we’re together, I just don’t feel satisfied. You know I’m not a cheater, but sometimes after we’re together, I’m tempted to turn around and indulge in some other fried meat product, just to feel fulfilled. I don’t want to be that person, so I think it’s best if we break it off.
This doesn’t mean that you’ll see me running into the arms of real bacon, though I can’t say I’m not open to a brief fling if the real thing is wrapped around a jalapeño at a dinner party. But this doesn’t mean I’m going cold turkey, either. Please don’t be shocked if you catch me in the company of Morningstar Farms. Try to understand, my history with soy-based vegetarian breakfast sausages goes way back to my childhood. Veggie sausage links and I were together for decades, long before I knew you existed.
I’m sorry, Turkey Bacon, but it's over. Please don’t do anything drastic, like try and go low-sodium. You need all the help you can get.
Don't look at me that way.
And stay away from my breakfast.
Now that I've broken up with Turkey Bacon, I'm awfully lonely. Connect with me on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Google+, and Goodreads.