Jitter Glitter. Or, Shitty Things to Give to the Parents of a Kindergartner

Last week I was introduced to Jitter Glitter. I’m sure compulsive Pinterest crafters already know what this is, but I was a Jitter Glitter virgin until a recent kindergarten orientation. My husband and I accompanied our five-year-old to her elementary school before the official start of the school year. She had the opportunity to meet her teacher, explore her classroom, and see the environment in which she will spend the next nine months learning, laughing, crying, and giving and receiving a variety of germs and ailments. But hopefully not lice. I’m just not ready for that.

We were sent home with welcome packets and what I thought was an impressive amount of swag for a five-year-old in the public school system. I was less impressed with the Ziploc full of glitter that was stapled to a crappy poem called “Jitter Glitter”.

The night before school is exciting and fun
With so many things that just have to be done

No shit. And why do I get the feeling this is going to add one to the list.


Your clothes are all ready, your backpack is, too
And your classroom is waiting with fun things to do
There are so many questions that go through your mind
All types of thoughts, some of every kind

I can’t argue that. My kindergartner asked me how to keep a baby from growing in her belly. This lead to a conversation even more awkward than when she asked me what she should do with my body when I die. All types of thoughts, indeed.

The day before school, we all get jitters down deep
Making it hard for us to fall asleep

She’s not going to have any trouble falling asleep unless I read her this stupid poem.

So here is some jitter glitter – it’s really quite cool
It’s something to help you be rested and ready for school

Way too many syllables in that last line. And now I feel like this is a baggie full of drugs. Take the jitter glitter, it’ll make you feel good, it’ll get you through.

Just sprinkle the glitter under your pillow in bed,
The night before school starts, when you lay down your head

Wait, what? Did you really just tell my five-year-old to dump a bag full of glitter on her bed? Who do you think is going to have to clean up that shit?

The glitter will help you to sleep through the night,
Letting you wake up feeling fresh and bright

I have my doubts. I don’t think anyone would feel well after inhaling a pound of glitter throughout the night. Is this to prepare kids for that treasured experience we all remember fondly of kindergarten – their first time huffing glue?

I’ll sprinkle the glitter under my pillow, too.

I’m going to call bullshit on that. Let’s see some video footage.

I can’t wait for the first day of school, so I can see you!

Oh, barf. I mean, that’s very sweet. No really, worst poem ever. And worst idea ever. Sure, the first day of school can be tough, but when it comes to Shitter Glitter, I think we’ll pass.



Not happening.

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60 comments:

  1. I had the SAME baggie with the stupid note and the stupid glitter. Of course my daughter was THRILLED with this! My first reaction was - Who the hell is coming over to clean up this extra fine silver glitter the next day? Then I wanted to let the teacher know that my child will have glitter hair for a week since I cant seem to imagine myself getting it all up or caring that much about trying. Then the next thought was - I want photos of your jitter glitter on your pillow lady! ( I thought I posted on this so sorry if it posts twice)

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    1. I hid the Jitter Glitter from my kid. I hid it with the stealth of a ninja.

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    2. I don't think it would be safe to have glitter in your bed. However, I don't think that this teacher's intentions should be so blasted wit foul retorts. He or she had good intentions, but probably doesn't have children. As parents, we need to keep things positive and do what is responsible in this type of situation. Modify the use of the glitter by hiding the glitter or keep it in the baggie and let it be slept with under the pillow. Also, knocking a public school by referring to all the nice preparations for the school year as being, "Pretty Good for a Public School" is just a low blow! You do not understand the unpaid time and materials bought by a public teacher's own money. Teacher will never make a 6 digit salary, not even close after 30 years of teaching. They go in the profession due to a calling. Few can do the job and fewer want the job.

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    3. It's a blog. It WAS an impressive amount of swag for the public school system. No, that's not a low blow. It was impressive. Seriously. Yes, I do understand. No, I could never be a teacher myself. I adore my kids' teachers. That doesn't change the fact that Jitter Glitter is a dumb idea.

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    4. This is funniest story I've read. Laughed and Laughed. Happy to see your use of the word "sh*t" one of my favorite words, learned it from Mom. I thought all mom's used that word until I met other Mom's. Ha Ha Thanks for the laugh.

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    5. Oh for shits sake......"Anonymous who is obviously a teacher or former teacher" It's a blog. Get a freaking grip. Please......do I love the teachers? Yes. Do I feel sorry for them/put them on a pedestal/ honor their every movement? No. I work in the medical field. Guess what....I don't make anywhere near 6 figures. I won't....ever. I have to buy my own supplies. I have to pay for my own training. I am on call 24 hours a day/7 days a week/ 365 days a year. The difference? I don't expect to be put above all other professions. I CAN'T BLAME MY PATIENTS PARENTS IF I DON'T DO MY JOB. I have the powers that be, ie. administration, insurance companies etc tell me how to do my job, change my job, how I'm doing my job wrong all the time. No, they couldn't do my job to save their souls. If they did my job, my patients would die a slow and horrible death. Oh, and I get 2 weeks vacation a year that is combined with any sick days so I typically get my vacation one day at a time due to the kids being sick. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.

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    6. Lots of teachers in Illinois make six figures.

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    7. I need to move to Illinois. I am a teacher and I i don't expect to be put on a pedestal, although that would be nice!

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    8. Crap! I'm one of those teachers who thought this was a cute and clever idea! I think this year I will just send apology letters to all my past parents! Thanks for the laugh!!! (you're right, I never put it under my pillow!)

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    9. Shannon P - I think you should keep doing it! The sentiment is actually sweet. I just hate glitter. Thanks for having a sense of humor and good luck in the coming school year. I salute you!

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  2. Replies
    1. Is that my daughter Michelle..not sure why you don't like glitter???

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    2. Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies. That shit never goes away.

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  3. Glitter is the herpes of the craft world.

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  4. Since this teacher seems to love glitter so much maybe you could sprinkle some in every note you send with you child. Don't forget Christmas, teacher's week, etc. You'll want to make those days extra special with even more glitter.

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  5. Great idea to glitterize the pillow! Also add some Elmer's Glue so the glitter adheres to your little angel throughout the nexty day!

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  6. That shit can do some serious damage if it's inhaled and also in their eyes!

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  7. The teacher never stated the glitter needed to be removed from the bag! Sure, "sprinkling" is hard to do with a sandwich bag, but I bet you could manage. :)

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    1. A friend told me she got the same thing and put the whole bag under her kids pillow. All I can say is the two of you are genius! It would have been the perfect happy medium between disaster and ignoring it altogether.

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  8. seriously! life is too short not to sparkle. just do it.

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  9. All I have to say is WTF???? ..... and obviously she has no children of her own.

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  10. I HATE GLITTER and apparently I'm not the only one! At church I work with pre-schoolers, and all of the other moms tell me that my craft will have extra glitter. And the Christmas cards covered in glitter get opened over the trash can and (unless they're from someone special) get dropped right in behind the envelope.

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  11. Think about how much glitter, snot, vomit, and more those K-teachers deal with every.single.day....just a thought.

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    1. Believe me, I have written in both blogs and books of my adoration for teachers and awe at their super human patience and kindness. But the Jitter Glitter idea (which the teacher did not come up with but probably found on Pinterest) was less than stellar.

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  12. Mmm, So the new trend is to deny any new types of games, becoming grumpy parents that wont allow our kids to try any sort of new stuff bc we don't wanna clean up something extra? (you could just have put a very small amount of glitter to make your child believe in the magic of the poem)...I remember having a much different childhood, I'm sorry maybe your parents were boring people that didn't like to clean up after you.

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    1. Uh, yeah. I deny all games and my parents were boring. Thanks for reading!

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    2. I'm going to skip this little 'ceremonial' game. I ain't got no time to be cleaning up glitter when I am trying to get myself ready for work, my child ready for her first day at school, her brother ready for daycare all while my hubby and I try to manage the chaos that is morning. For reals

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  13. Jitter glitter. Cause the devil wanted in on the crafting business

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  14. btw, I teach Kdg, and this is just plain fun. I got complaints for the pink feather I put in their "I'm tickled pink to be your teacher" introductory letter; just can't win! (But the kids LOVED them!)

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    1. What??!! Now a pink feather would be awesome! What is the complaint with that? Fess up, did you make the kids eat the pink feathers?

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  15. Our kindergarten teacher sent home the same poem, but she sent the big star glitter. It was very easy to clean, and my daughter loved it ;)

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  16. Wow... Wow... K teachers trying to make school fun and you're flipping them off? I hope you're kid's teacher doesn't read this. All that time and money... :(

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    1. No, I'm flipping off the jitter glitter. Yes, all that time and money does deserve a sad face. We're agreed on that! Because putting glitter on kids' pillows for them to sleep in is not a great idea. And thanks for reading!

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  17. The writing was fantastic and funny, but the picture of the bag of glitter being flipped the bird wins the internet!! Hilarious!! So glad I stumbled here today!

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  18. I would die if my daughter got a bag of this, though it is a great idea for someone you hate. My daughter had the most annoying, whiniest friend who would come to my house and make the hugest mess possible and to top it off, I couldn't stand the parents and their non-stop drama. On whiny kid's birthday, I poured glitter and confetti on a shirt I bought as a gift, folded it up and put it in a box for a fun surprise. I hope they are still cleaning the glitter up! Karma is a bitch!

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  19. My husband and I both had a good laugh. Thanks for sharing!

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  20. I enjoyed reading it, I thought it was funny. And my first thought was to put the bag under the pillow after reinforcing the seal with tape lol

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  21. Use your own common sense and tell your child that the teacher is very nice to want to make sure everyone has a first day, then put it under the pillow in the bag. No need to be ugly about someone trying to be nice even if you think it's stupid.

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  22. Glitter is like glass of gotten in the eyes. I can't imagine it's any better in the lungs. What moron would suggest putting in near a child's head to sleep with all night long.
    That crap should really be out lawed.
    Not a smart move, or teacher for that matter. She should know better.

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  23. Not to mention your kids probably going to have a pound of glitter on their hair and face that almost never comes out with one bath

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  24. well don't worry about it too much , chances are there wont be much more glitter in your child's school career . Even in K . nope ... instead she will be expected to learn at an alarming rate so she will be ready for those standardized tests. I used to work in a k-4 school and there was no time for coloring , glitter, paints, or anything that made a healthy mess... so enjoy it while you can .

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  25. Glitter is the herpes of the crafting world! Enough said!

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  26. I love that real fine polyester glitter like people put on their nails. I hoard it. I have a cache. I get mad if people touch it. I do allow them to use it for crafts. With me.

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  27. Saw this on FB and while I'm a fan of the sarcastic overplayed narratives like this, I just thought about the teacher who took time out of her day to make something for her students and something as big as the kid's first day of Kindergarten not worth being celebrated in a fun and different way because of a little glitter mess. Kinda tasteless...but that's just my opinion�� Hate the glitter, but don't hate the game.

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    1. Don't worry, I've received PLENTY of hate mail in the past 24 hours letting me know what an ass I am and that only a horrible person would insult a kindergarten teacher. And actually, I really LIKE her teacher. I think it's awesome that the teacher went the extra mile, I really do. But I think the whole idea of giving kids glitter to put on their pillows is ridiculous. But again, rest assured that I've been properly skewered for this one, as plenty of people equate this post with teacher abuse as opposed to what I intended: pointing out the ridiculousness of Pinterest crafts that people think are cute but which may in fact be harmful. Thank you for your opinion and for reading, in any case.

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    2. I think your blog was terrific. The help w those who can't take a joke. Glitter sucks. I bet half the anonymous people and probably the teacher, don't have kids! Lmao about the herpes reference, the gift that keeps giving..... Funny shit lady...keep on keeping on....haters gonna hate.

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  28. My mother bought my daughters glittered shoes when they were little and they thought it was fun to smack their feet together with every step they took! That shit got everywhere! I stayed pissed at my mother for a month. Try being a cop and keeping your street cred with thugs laughing at the glitter in your hair or stuck to your face. If one of their teachers had sent glitter home, I may have taken out a hit on them!

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  29. This is hilarious!! I know teachers work hard and want to do fun things.... But glitter in bed isn't fun! I commend them for going out of their way and doing things on their own time, but how does this not strike them as dangerous? Great blog post and take the haters with a grain of salt. I love reading words of honest, real moms!! I look forward to checking out the rest of your posts! :)

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  30. Sometimes, like...almost always...these types of nice ideas come from people who have actually raised exactly zero children themselves. Sure, my 3 year old son would love to sleep with sand and dump trucks under his pillow...aint happening! Even if the idea comes from a precious teacher.

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  31. I am a teacher and a parent! I loved your blog post. I laughed hysterically. I give Jitter Glitter. I know it is a mess and no I don't care. LoL the kids love it. Maybe it makes me sadistic but I envision the looks of horrified parents as they realize what it is for. Welcome to Kindergarten guys!!!

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    1. I don't think my response posted. :-(
      Sending glitter home with 5 year olds is just plain crappy. It'll end up in their eyes up their noses.... Yay glitter snot? I think not!
      I probably would have thrown it away.
      If I had thought to put the whole bag under the pillow, my particular brand of crazy would have me double or triple bagging it.

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  32. I am a teacher and I found your article both funny and informative!! I did jitter glitter for the first time this year. I assumed (and you know what that makes me!) that parents would have the common sense to use a sprinkle, and not the entire 1/8 teaspoon I sent home! Your blog has enlightened me to this lack of parental discretion. Thank you!!! No more jitter glitter for my students!!! Also, I'm thinking no more scissors, what if they cut something besides paper? No more markers or tempra! Mom might have to get out the spray and wash! Recess??? Well that's certainly up for debate and leggos...choking hazard!!! I'm going to make it my priority not to inconvenience parents with my creativity again!!! Thanks for writing!!!
    Sincerely.
    Mother of three
    Grandmother of three
    Seasoned Early Childhood Educator
    Student of Sarcasm
    Hater of all things Pinterest

    PS... The original idea of Jitter Glitter is attributed to a kindergarten teacher who pairs it with a book called First Day Jitters. I thought a creative writer such as yourself would appreciate the connection. Occasionally teachers have purpose in their plans, glittery or otherwise.

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    Replies
    1. Take a deep breath and count to ten. Everything is going to be okay. It's just a blog.

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  33. My son had jitter juice and they drank it at the start of the first day of school. I thought it was a brilliant idea and he loved it. As for the glitter I am a crafter and I love glitter even though the mess sucks to clean up. But in my opinion what I would have done if my son had gotten jitter glitter is read him the poem explained to him why we weren't going to put it under his pillow and then made a craft with it! :) everyone's happy!

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  34. I just found your blog, after reading your books! My daughter is a high school English teacher. I have to share with her! That shit would have gone in the trash before we climbed in the car. Banned from my house, when the kids were little, glitter,finger paints and gum. And permanent markers locked up high. hehehe

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    1. Hi Suzie, Thanks so much for reading! This blog gets a lot of haters, so I appreciate that you didn't view this as an assault on kindergarten teachers everywhere. (See comments above). Also, I hate gum, too. Have a wonderful, glitter-free day. -AK

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