Swear Thee Well

If language offends you, shut this motherfucker down! This post is not for you. That’s fair warning. You’re not allowed to keep reading and then get pissed off about inappropriate language. That’s what this post is about. Because...

Splitting Hairs Is Tedious
Don’t search for deeper meaning and get your g-string in a tangle. Cursing is about emphasis and punch and flow. Not every word about female anatomy is a slight to women, just as the word dick is not an attack on men. And why does so much swearing involve mothers? Motherfucker. Son of a bitch. Son of a whore. I mean, let's be honest, it's the mom taking the heat, not the son. So why dump it all on the moms? 

Because mothers are fucking tough and we can take it!

It's Not About Religion
I don’t often use God when I curse, but occasionally god. And I’m not refraining from capitalization to offend your God, I’m refraining because I’m not referring to your God. Language morphs and changes. If you think that every utterance of Oh god refers to your God, well, that’s just not the case. Someone blurting Oh god due to a sudden shock, or murmuring Oh god on the verge of orgasm is not really praying, I promise.

More offensive to religion are people who behave atrociously in the name of religion, like ISIS or the Only God Can Fudge Me lady. Damn is good, too. I’m not really damning anything or anyone to hell. (I don’t believe in hell, and if I did, I certainly wouldn’t believe that I had the power to send anyone there). Again, we're not talking religious studies, it’s emphasis and punch and flow, damn it!

The Classics

Fuck. It’s a noun! It’s a verb! Make it a modifier, if you like! Use it to highlight the positive or emphasize the negative. The f-word is so loved because of this versatility, as well as the satisfaction of the word itself. You can begin saying it while biting your lower lip and end with the delightful crack of the k. It never gets old. Does it lessen the beauty of lovemaking? Fuck, no! It’s just a great fucking word.

Bitch. My favorite use of the b-word is the verb form, as a substitution for complain. I rarely call anyone else a bitch, because as much of a potty mouth as I am, I’m not really a name caller. I have called myself names, though. As in, “Oh god, I’m such a fucking bitch.”

Cunt. People using the c-word usually think they’re really bringing out the big guns. But personally, I don’t see it that way. Cunt is fairly meh, as far as I’m concerned. The c is the dynamic sound in the word, but wasted at the very beginning. By the time you get to the t, the punch is gone. It feels deflated, flaccid, limp (and therefore also ironic). Female humorists get lots of hate mail, and cunt is a favorite insult of bitter and frustrated internet trolls. I hate to break it to you guys, but we’re not that bothered.

Dick. Just like fuck, dick ends with that satisfying k. One of my favorite uses of dick is combining it with move. As in, Hey Kanye, that was another dick move. 

Check out Bad Sandy's Why So Sullen, Kanye?


Asshat. I’m old fashioned (can’t you tell?), so it takes me a bit to warm up to new variations. I was resistant at first to asshat, and have yet to use it myself, but it’s growing on me. The combination of words is unique and the cadence pleasing. It's almost like an updated version of butthead. 

WTF? I’m not a WTF? person. I’m a What the Fuck? person. I’m also not a LOL, TTYL, or ROTFL person. I love words too much. And if something is truly worthy of a What the Fuck?, then I'm happy to take the time to honor the full phrase. 

Douche. This one fell out of fashion for a time, but I’m so glad it’s back. It is undeniably linguistically satisfying. Say it with me: douche. I love that that you can spread this word over the course of a few seconds, if you choose. I prefer to keep it as is, without the addition of bag, but that's just personal preference. And I adore Bitch Magazine’s defense of the word and explanation of how it aligns with feminism:

The products involved in douching have historically functioned to scare women into believing that their all-natural ladyparts are dirty, smelly, unpleasant, and unfresh. These same products have actually rendered many a woman's perfectly wonderful ladyparts unhealthy, painful, and infected by their very use. (Check out some vintage ads that touted Lysol as the cure for lonely, dateless, stanky ladies if you'd like some visual proof of the ways women have been shamed into using these unnecessary products.) 
Douches and douchebags are a pointless, irritating, unfortunate, and generally toxic enemy of women throughout history. A Tool of the Patriarchy. A menace to women's autonomy and well-being. Something that should not come into contact with a smart, self-respecting woman's body. Tell us again why we shouldn't use the term to refer to people who share those same characteristics?
Read the full article here: Bitch Magazine Douchebag Decree

If you've read this far and immediately want to type a response letting me know that swearing is unimaginative, insulting, and unnecessary, or that swearing makes me stupid and unrefined, please don't waste your time. And why the fuck didn't you stop reading after the disclaimer? I warned you.

If you're a lonely, bitter, sexually frustrated internet troll who just can't wait to let me know I'm a cunt, save your energy. I’ve been called worse.

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  1. My favorite comment was on Facebook yesterday by a woman who said a HuffPo commenter called her language vulgar and unimaginative.

    Her response: "You say tomato, I say motherfucker."

    Still laughing about that one.

  2. HA! Amen, sister! No need to get your "g-string in a tangle!"
    My dear sweet Mom was telling me about some uptight people she'd met, so I taught her the phrase "Oh, lighten the fuck up." She thought that was hysterical! But she'd often get the phrasing wrong, so when my sister and I would appear uptight about something, our Mom would say, "Oh, fucken the light up!" My sister and I died laughing!

  3. Awesome! I think I love your mom.

  4. I've never read your blog before, but now I am officially in love with you. That is all.

  5. Late to the party, I know, but I'm forwarding this to my mom whose new favorite word is 'asshat' (as she's told me a couple of times this week).

    1. Well, that's just downright adorable. Thanks for reading, Jim.

  6. I feel like I've found a long lost sister. Reading this post brought a happy tear to my eye.