I've Got Mad Kitchen Skillz and My Kids Want Ramen

Mother's Day rocked. I got gems like this...

This shit gives me nightmares. Share my pain.
And my second grader brought home the equivalent of a dissertation about me. Seriously. It's twenty-one, spiral-bound pages. I'm not sure how long the teacher had students working on it, but it totally made up for the fact that on Mother's Day, both of my kids turned into assholes in the afternoon. The second grader's gift also balanced out her younger sister's present of Barbie showing off her long blue extensions and that tight little ass.

One of the pages of the dissertation was this...

The drawing is a steaming bowl of ramen. And after "My favorite meal my mom prepares is..." my daughter wrote

"my favarite noodles, I don't know what they are called so me and my sister call them favarite noodles. They are crlley, hot and sllrpy."

(Yes, when it comes to spelling, I think we can all agree that she takes after her father.)

So my daughter's FAVARITE meal requires seventeen cents and three minutes. Don't get me wrong, when you're busy as fuck, that's awesome. But it's somewhat contradictory to the fact that I am a damn good cook. I feel like my child's palate should represent that somehow. People should meet her and instantly conclude that my kitchen has ingredients like tahini and liquid aminos. I know how to use coriander. I roast my own roasted red peppers. But on the cusp of her 8th birthday, she's clamoring for a diet rich in monosodium glutamate and high fructose corn syrup.

It's 100% my fault. I created the monster. But I also know that it will likely change with time. I envision us one day taking a Thai cooking class together. And when her language is as salty as her dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, maybe I'll pass along my FAVARITE cookbook, which also happens to be my FAVARITE gift from Mother's Day. My husband presented me with my very own copy of...

Because yes, we should all eat like we give a fuck. (There's so much to love about this book.) And if you were wondering - yes, Thug Kitchen recipes avoid meat and dairy. Here are more thoughts on that:
  • I promise not to become the crazy vegan lady with whom you don't want to have lunch.
  • I still love steak. It's delish. And bacon? Well there's a reason why you can get just about anything flavored like bacon and/or wrapped in it. I'm just trying to buy less of it
  • If you invite me over for dinner, I will eat whatever you put in front of me and I will love it and be grateful. 
  • If you come to my house for dinner, you might eat a vegan meal, but trust me, I'm a fucking wizard and you won't even know it until you're all fat and happy. 
  • It's not just that the majority of the meat and dairy industries are kind of gross (I think we can all agree that throwing live baby chicks into a grinder is kind of a dick move), but also, as stated in Thug Kitchen... 

I've got one kid into carrots and hummus, which I'm counting as a win. And for the love of all things culinary, one of these days my kids are going to say something awesome like, 

"Mom, will you please make stuffed poblanos for dinner?" 
"Mom, I want you to know how much I appreciate your phenomenal understanding and use of garlic." 

Today is not that day, however, and when my kids ask me when dinner will be ready, I will confidently answer, "in about three minutes."

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  1. Can we be friends? You always manage to articulate my thoughts perfectly, and we have the same sense of humor!

    1. Why yes, yes we can. Thanks so much for reading!