PSA: Scissors + Genitals = Not Recommended

I buy scissors like some women buy shoes. Every room should have a pair of scissors. They date back to Ancient Egypt. And we still need them. 

If I went on some crazy reality survival show (no thank you, by the way) and got to take only one thing, I'd take scissors. No, strike that. I'd take wine. Because chances are I'm not surviving any survival situation, so I might as well enjoy a beverage. But still, I need scissors in my life, which I feel is a series of confrontations with things I need to hack my way into. 

I recently found an opening for yet another addition to my scissor collection. So I went to the store and zeroed in on this pair.


Nice, huh? They also work as a bottle opener, so what's not to love?
But when you take the scissors out of the package?


You're left with a nice package! 

Did no one else notice this before these were put into production? Or was it meant to add extra value? 

Does Fiskars also make sex toys, and this is some sort of subliminal messaging so that I'll buy my scissors and then head over to Ye Olde Naughty Shoppe for a Fiskars brand pleasure tool? 

And if I did purchase a possibly battery-powered playmate, could it also open a beer for me? I found all of these questions both intriguing and entertaining, and started flashing the above packaging at friends to get their reaction. 

The women thought it was hilarious. The men did, too, but carried with them an added, subtle unease. It took me a while to figure out why. They're fine with a genital rendition next to the words "Lifetime Warranty" and "Comfortable Ergonomic Handles" and even "Bottle Opener"

But having the package outline also next to the words "Scissors" and "Blades" and "Knife" and "Wire Cutter" makes them pucker just a bit. Before they know it the name "Bobbitt" comes to mind, or the recent headlines of a Georgia man who cut off his own penis to stop masturbating, to which I can only respond... nope, turns out I have no response. 

Fiskars, you make a great product, but when it comes to packaging, let's keep the penises at a nice safe distance. With the possible exception of a troubled Georgia man, I can't think of a single Dick who wants his Lifetime Warranty called into question. 

Want more creepy content?
Check out An Open Letter to DB

Want less creepy content?
Check out my new site Vagabonding with Kids


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